i am in my way


lately the weather has been less about blue and more about grey, i am more about my blue tommy fleece, just like last year. i cannot wait to show you what i have been working on. your welcome to come and see, i'm warning you it's just the beginning. i don't know, you might be surprised that i had guts to paint right over my paper quilts, don't worry, it was my thought to do so all along. i just had to collect the right supplies to do this sort of thing. my plans are to paint a fish on the green paper quilt and a robot on the red paper quilt.

even though i started the pretending tree i really must finish this series of small mixed media collages first. i will keep you updated as things progress.

i splurged last week and bought myself these special little earrings. i haven't been out shopping and wanted to celebrate myself in someway. sounds cheesy i know but i've been so down down down on myself lately and yes yes yes buying these inexpensive earrings were a way to spruce up the spirit a bit. check em out, woot if you like em!

i have this way about me, introverting and stumbling over my thoughts and rewinding/replaying scenerio's over and over again in my mind. i know talking about god on the internet isn't cool because it expresses too much of what is in my head and heart. i know writing about the ins and outs of my life isn't really the best way to improve or better the creative things i try and share. i keep saying that without the ability to create i'd go insane. i know it's true for others and that i'm not alone in saying so.

listen though, i am struggling with my identity, am i weak or am i strong? am i a friend or not? all that i see in myself is fight. people always say..."follow gods will, he'll show you the way. he's got a plan for your life, relinquish control, freedom comes in faith and taking risks." yet i specifically want a couple of my relationships to be completely blessed. i'm not sure if i see god in it. i mean he's in it because he's my father and he's soverign and full of practical real life grace stuff but...i have been changing and opening myself up a whole lot more to things like bible study and church and people and all of this time i'm thinking that god is leading me, i'm feeling fine, right? like even if there are butterflies in my stomach i can swallow harder, blink past-thru tears and follow. but hell i don't want to, what i want more is for a relationship to be redeemed, what i want is for this person to be blessed completely and forever. what i want is to be at peace with god's desire. my hang up is the mere fact of loosing out of friendship, companionship. there's not one ounce of me that thinks i've compromised in this relationship or that i'm even about to. i'm not throwing up my hands in anger toward god, i'm throwing them up at myself, thinking-yelling, to get out of my own way! so i'm immersing myself with words and friendly interventions from carolyn in the city. i'm crying and asking god to fight for me, fight these conflicted feelings. i'm stubborn enough to continue to ask him for his blessings in this decaying relationship. i told carolyn i honestly believed that god was in everything going on here. and that the debate is pointless. i am overwhelmed with his love, it's keeping me safe and free from making really really stupid decisions, ya know like i used to when i was much younger. i just can't wait until it's the weekend, and kate moving up to chatt., and the picnic on sunday. that's going to have to fill me up. i'm filled. this is the plan. you may ask

why work so much? paying father back for tax help. and saving for the nicest laptop ever!

surfing












i've been surfing the www all morning long.
i found two pair of blue and green owl earrings and bought
them for nine dollars and fifty cents.
last night i went to bible study.
i came home and worked on the pretending/posturing
tree. i am changing it's direction for the better.
i am following exodus, bitter water, so on and
so forth. i'm going to go home early today.

with august over


i can't tell you how happy i am that august is now behind me. the beginning of the month was quite treachorous, the middle of the month things really started to pick up but now that it is september i'm back into the swing of things. i have not felt as productive, as i do at this point. on friday night i called kate and we caught up on a whole lot. while on the phone she reminded me that several years ago i decided that when making my art, especially collage, that i would utilize my drawing and painting skills. it is a challenge in collage to incorporate one's own ideas. in the beginning i spent a whole lot of my time cutting up magazines and things. now a piece isn't complete until i've added a larger element of my own. so over the weekend i began the second phase of the process with the paper quilt series, pushing myself to overcome and reflect my own drawing ability. i planned on the push in the first place, but it's hard. to have what looks to be a complete work, having to begin again, drawing...yikes! so far so good, although the first (blue paper quilt) has not been completed, it's got a blue bird!

i also began the largest painting i've ever worked on before. i'm excited because i initially bought the canvas to paint a commisson for my brother and sister n law. but they have decided on a triptych cityscape, so i won't be using this over 3 foot by over 2 foot canvas for them, i get to use it for the pretending/posturing tree. i really haven't got the gumption to show it all because it's all rather crude in the beginning but i like how the shapes and colors are coming together. kate was saying how she's incorporated a "jack rabbit" into her paintings because her backyard is full of early morning bunnies. i have strange trees around me the city and often times they are the only green things, catching light and rain. plus, and this is big. this past sunday frank taught from exodus, moses and his people come across a bitter water river, and desperately need their thirst quenched, god shows moses the tree and tells him to push it into the river. the imagery has caught up with me! i've never had this type of experience before, what shall i do?

tonight i've got b.s. and judges. and jesus christ, whether you believe or not, has raised me up in my job. he has made a way and i have found financial victory! praise him! my time at cvs maybe coming to an end. not before christmas though. i'm not sure there's anything else going on. the week is short and i've got to concentrate. i'm looking forward to the weekend with grand friends, gallery hop and all.

dream of the day: laptop by next summer

owl for an owl


i'm moving on, by inverting the colors, modpodging, thinking more about painting upon my paper quilt series. thoughts of white on collage, robots, birds, and trees. how? ugh the biggest and hardest question though. i started another painting, a very large painting. i am trying to keep up the pace. i'm not working this weekend so hopefully i'll have some shots of wip. it's of a tree, yes another tree, but you've got to remember my concentration, my spirit of concept must not sway. i do not like the tree that i've painted at all so there is much work to follow. saturday morning i'll be heading out to brunch with my mom and dad. i'm thinking of pool time with jen. and church on sunday. fajatas up on the mountain and working at the rx on monday, time in half holiday pay.

i am not sure we are to speak of financial victories or not, but two weeks ago the docs i work for here at uoha agreed upon a four percent yearly household income raise, i have asked for a little bit more than that, and i think i may be getting it. so far i've gotten really good feed back from the o.m. it isn't as though i'll be able to quit the rx, but last year i happened to owe the irs a grand, my dear father helped me out, but i am still indebted. there is grace in all of this.

i've gotten the most incredible feedback on the paper quilt series things. i really appreciate your looking, encouraging words and thoughts. have a great weekend.