underneath:belief

words can feel like combinations of symbols that often times barely scrape by, defining little physicality or emotion. an understated disclaimer of how meager my words feel when i am writing them out. desperately searching word after word for relevance, truth and mostly purity. so if i say i had a fairly nice weekend, i myself am bored with the phrase. in regards to the real deal, the underneath it all sort of stuff, it is going to have to playout.

one thought repeats itself over and over in my mind. a tentative nagging. to say we saw ethan and mary off to kazakhstan isn't all that true. honestly i wish that i had told them each how much i love them. and now i am wondering, have they made it, are they making it alright, are they safe, excited, scared? are they homesick already, do they miss us? i know i am missing them so soon, already, yes. on saturday evening i made my way to their home and literally folded ethan's shirts for him. it's not like he is gone eternally, two months might go by and i might not seem him anyway, even with the both of us in one city. but he's on the other side of the world now and even if i wanted to i couldn't get to him. laurie and i helped mary pack gifts for caleb's caretakers, nurses, and doctors. we packed caleb's little clothes and socks and toys. we packed medicine and a even a baby bjorn. i helped pack their shampoo, soap, and shoes, and still i feel like maybe i should have hung out just a little longer.

my belief; and to say the least i'm excited and overflowing with anticipation. i can't wait for the first email from mary. my joy is hope. can't wait-ing to see caleb's face for the very first time in september. unga!!! i can't wait to begin posting news, at: calebtochatt.

in order: any foundational drawing here is for the sake of new art. trees are on the horizon. new trees. and a friend of mary's gave her a book that she had published with blurb. i'm thinking i might have a book:portfolio made, or i could use flickr's qoop.
peace.

barely wip&flickr stickers

on one hand this week has absolutely flown by. my bicycle injuries are healing more quickly than i thought they would. my emotional monday and tuesday feel like weeks ago. two days on sunday, mary and ethan are leaving for Kazakhstan to get Caleb. in a mind boggle: a year and a half ago we thought it would take this day forever to get here. any ebb in time has now dissipated and we will all be trying to catch up, stay close, and in touch with one another as time plasters and propells us forward in this new family adventure. we are fortunate and grateful and i for one know the value of time in these moments. it is everything.
up until yesterday i had been becoming increasingly worried that time seemed to take it's time when it came to the delivery of my flickr mini moo sticker book. and then in my box in a white envelope they appeared. a minor important pick me up of inspiration. and now i have no idea exactly what i will do with them. i think i will have new cards made of the paper quilt collage series to sell at our september clothesline show. i may just use the stickers as an envelope seal sort of thing. it's not that important. just 9.99 for an assortment of 90 stickers, that's all.
and of course my weekend plans and project ideas are piling up only because i am inches away from finishing my spacetrees:eyeball flowers piece. wanting to move on and forward. as you can see i've stretched a canvas and the tissue paper is going down with modpodge. the next and first for the clothesline show. i want to have a lot to show and tell by next week. wish me motivation and a plentiful wealthy about of minutes and hours.


if you'd like to know more about kasakhstan check it!!!
have a very nice weekend friends. take advantage of the time and benefit. more love.

in the bag

you are seeing for the first time my beachtrip traveling, packing, and dispersing ways. i am so sure this is exactly what everyone needed, whether for a difference, a laugh, scoff, or for the crazy ridiculous shock value of it all. it's just i almost always have to have the closet space instead of drawers. i don't know why but i barely had to unpack this time. and i washed all of my clothing before coming back, as a matter of fact, my bag is still lying on the floor of my apartment, barely unpacked. what is with me?

last night all night i painted and tonight all night until nine at least i will be at the rx. and hopefully maybe by thrusday night my elbow which is bothering me the most at this point will have healed enough for me to beable to ride again.

friday night i am going to work again. but saturday and sunday are free days. i am keeping my mind on those two days. by that time i might be starting some fresh new art collage painting art. *my brother ethan and my sis n law mary are leaving on saturday for a month, to go and get little caleb. i have been and will be thinking of them mostly all of the time. as a family we gathered this past sunday, to celebrate the july birthday's, it was a somber sort of day in a good way. we all seemed tired and a little weepy with thoughts of caleb so so far away from us, waiting on his parents to come and get him. honestly i have been quite emotional lately and can't seem to shake the lake of tears that have overflowed the last two evenings.

i have these periods of release, thinking of how little i actually do keep things together. it's weird how often i don't feel capable, but plan to fake ability and responsibility. i am here at work, aren't i? and other than the usual stuff like letting the laundry pile up. i'm only about a week behind on the other kinds of things. again bills must be paid, tags and registration must be claimed, art to art, clothesline, friends, family, reading, book club, seeking advice, praying. i doubt seriously that i have anything in the bag except my leftover travels. seashells and cockleshells...that's what little girls are made of.

they are trying

to send me to rehab. anyone else. hearing this song. my mind tells me: it is something about the measured drum and bass style, rhythm, maybe, that i like. not so much the lyrics. is it she? singing? well?
i am glad to be at work this morning. i felt like i barely made it and might just be exaggerating, but i had a giant bicycle spill. and left my leg and elbow skin on the sidewalk somewhere along the riverwalk last night. understandably so all could be worse, a broken arm or leg, busted head or who knows. instead i am left with a little bruised ego. a thirty something wish that i was indestructable, a pathetic whimper of a "this sucks" sort of outlook. and i'll have to, have to, get back on that bike. i am sitting as low as i can go with a ice pack pushing back pain on my leg. a bandaid barely covering the elbow will have to do.

i was wondering about the elderly and how they must feel if such a spill befalls them. so crazy to think about crying out in pain at the age of 76. or is the pain so great to an 80 year old that they'd just passout? i didn't cry out until i got home and peroxide was put on my elbow. unga. where is my stamina? my endurance? my ability to overcome pain? i don't want to be a whimp! so i'll say no more.

i wanted to share:

a. zia natural skincare

b. loving and inspired by hannah's polaroids

c. waiting for more of this and that

d. would love to purchase his art

e. waiting impatiently for their ep

i like lists too, just like andrea.

pangs of home

feeling slightly, pangs of homesickness i made my way back on saturday evening. starting out on the road at around nine and not getting back home until five on sunday morning. i have never quite felt these strange pulls in both directions. it was the first year i have ever entirely enjoyed the shore, the sand and waves, shell hunting and sunning. but a simultaneous sinking arose inside of me, a feeling of wanting to be home. home working, painting, riding bikes, playing tennis, playing with my nephews, seeing my sister's, sleeping in my own big bed.

we stayed in the gulf and played in the gulf, ate well, watched zodiac, laughed hard, took a whole lot of photos, but still i wished in some way i was home. so much on my mind. it was beautiful, more clear and hot than ever before. less humid and crowded than i ever remember it being. i got a new pair of reefs, the same style but one size smaller, they had no fives.

i have not a whole lot more to offer. i am just trying to get caught up.