pin down

sunday afternoons are strange. they make me feel strange. in the last view hours of the weekend there are all these things i should probably try and do but have no desire to do so. this coming week is filling up fast. monday night i am hitting the town with my sister in laws. the times with them are sweet and mostly a way for us to communicate outside of the grand family gatherings. on thursday night i am having a group of my clothesline c0 planners over to discuss and as i have said before, finalize our plans. in the meantime i have got to clean my apartment. for the most part everything is fairly organized but, oh the dusting and vacuuming. i really would like to minimize the amount of stuff i have. i wonder about a way to distribute or pack things in a way that doesn't use up too much space. i might need to rearrange and i am looking for a new sort of coffee table piece instead of the trunk i have been using.

this week might be crucial too, because, i need to begin exercising again. i am struggling with where i am at in my mind with it all. and really would like to defer from the subject all together. i will say i'm fortunate for not having gained any weight. it isn't as much about the weight as it is about the way i have started to feel. my body has adjusted to getting up earlier but, i should try to walk and run and stretch after work. i could start to feel better in my mind if i took some time to exercise. the good, encouraging things are: drinking more hot tea, going to bed before midnight, taking fruit and miso soup and popcorn for lunch with me to work, new friendships, a bookclub, finishing and having enjoyed the teahouse fire by avery, really thinking about spending money on a condo, happiness at work (finally), also learning to be more emotionally honest. these are all somethings.

friday night, coral castles is playing at jj's. um.

a long time ago i bought a package of those thin round pieces of cork and spray painted them silver and attached a magnet to the back so that i could put it on my fridge and pin stuff to it. i am not sure why you'd want to go down this route, sometimes magnets get old and the silver cork is a nice textured relief from other means of hanging stuff on the fridge. i should be pinning down a whole lot more than i have, sunday afternoons remind me of everything that i should be doing that i am not. so strange and slightly uncomfortable.

georja, this is for you. if you're reading. i'd like to get together too! let's do it. maybe i should have a party of just girls. anyone ever done that before and not have it be a wedding or baby shower? uh?

shocked

sheesh, i'm shocked. it's twelve twenty two and i am here, going to postoff really. how many of you steal your internet service provision from someone else? i mean i'm riding the www for free from my apartment and as ridiculous as it sounds i don't care about the real chance that i'm going to be exhausted tomorrow at work. just because i have finally found the free. i shouldn't be shocked, i've tried and have never had this success, so yes i'm a little bit thrilled. heck if i can save the ninty bucks a month, why not? is there something so terrible about it all. don't think so. i'm not going to reflect on the whole issue, oh no, no more.

needless to say i have been way out of the www hemisphere and feel a little sensitive about the matter. it has occured to me on more than one ocassion that i may not need the www as much as i thought. or need isn't exactly the right word, but the addiction, yes that is what it is, the www still flowing in my bloodstream.

well. how should i update a world of readers that have given up on me. or never cared to begin with. life in the treehouse is good. besides the humpty hump on the other side of my bedroom wall in the middle of the night, while i'm attempting to sleep. my bathroom floor is a mess, you wanted to know. and a painting i started working on has not been finished. staying up late means two day old popcorn and letterman's choice humor.

work at collier construction is starting to feel more normal, less temporary and more fulfilling everyday. i honestly feel less inclined to write about it, there's nothing to fret or worry about. have i found a lifelong career? i should say i am thankful for the years of medical oncology billing and insurance. i know exactly where i stand in my work at cc, it's predictably comfortable, in that sense. i'm glad for my work, i never knew how much i loved paperwork, heck i am thirty two and didn't realize that i like the shuffle and scuttle of paperwork. i also have enjoyed the freedom. responsible for more, with less responsibilty. i mean isn't that what all of our workforce goals are. paid more for more freedom. i have loved my responsibilities, the newsletter, paying bills, planning green drinks, and so assisting the "om" and my brotherboss.

my art and the publishing well i should probably keep it all under wraps for now. but soon. i'll have news.

and yes i might be happier, but i'm asking myself if i had more would i be able to handle more, and wouldn't there be less to work hard for. i say it so often. cliches' don't become cliches' just because, they become cliches' because of the history of truth. i'm not better off because of all the work as much as i'm better off because of what i think and feel about the work. i could be taller, and have more funds in my checking account, or have new jeans i don't have to roll or have my own paid for internet but i don't and i feel pretty alright with that. it's less of a burden in so many ways. more of choice and less of a reaction.

i'm going to have to sleep.

in some rare disbelief

i wonder what just happened, another year, gone by. just one and half more days left it will all be over. it didn't just happen, i know, it just feels like all of the growing and changing came and went so quickly, without even a climax, no strong loud clamp of thunder or dramatic down swing, just this sunday afternoon. the last in o-seven. i have been nursing this here sore throat. stuffing tea and spice cookies down. but i have also, as usual, i suppose been given over to reflect. i spent a whole lot of time before the holidays really preparing to give handcraft to friends and family and in the midst of that felt like i might be letting some of them down by not purchasing their most faved or coveted items. in pictures i think the wreaths i made look nicer. in real life they seem slightly chinsey or shall i say tacky? but if i say that what does that mean to those to whom i've given the wreaths to? i just expected more and could not for the life of me muster up more because i actually thought i was coming down with mono the night of my birthday.
so strange this year has been. in good ways, in very fine ways it's been all a bunch of blessing, in others it's been harder than previous. who knows what other people do behind the curtains of their own blogs, privately underneath the sheets? i have no earthly idea and sometimes i enjoy reading from blogs of other women artists, finding inspiration and common word or comfort and sometimes i'm jealous and often times i want to meet them, but i also wonder about they're emotional states and their familial states and their marriages and the cleanliness of their homes. sometimes women my age write about all that is really going on behind the scenes other times their words and photos are of projects and smaller household improvements, sometimes pictures tell stories i can only imagine and therefore give me sense that everything with them must be absolutely perfect. i wonder.

my year has been perfected in a variety of ways, but through some difficult work that has yet to be completed. earlier, maybe in june or july i began to get some, how shall i say? outside help. some help from someone who has been trained to help. help from someone that i am paying to help me. is it any different after all than if i were paying someone to do my taxes for me or if i needed someone to repair my roof. i'm not going to pretend to know how to repair my roof if i don't know how to. just as i am not going to pretend to know how to fix my heart and mind when i really have no idea how to begin that process. accepting and believing is one thing, intellectually analyzing something to the hilt is another and having some kind of heart is yet another. i have felt on one end of the spectrum that my whole life made sense, on the other end of the spectrum my life felt like a very large ball of wax and paper, thread and dirt. most people probably feel the same way i have at some point in their lives and everyone has a different method of resolution. i decided to call out for help.

in the last six months i have discovered some fairly interesting things, my goal being to merge my heart and mind, so that i don't feel as conflicted. i've learned i'm really quite alright, except for the lying. for so many years i have lied to myself, not as if in some state of denial, by just simply telling myself that no one loves me, no one cares, i cannot trust anyone, and so on and so forth, all disgusting self loathing things i'd rather kick to the curb. it's been the believing in myself that i have been lacking. it's ridiculous and many of you may not care to know about these sorts of things but i'm saying it anyway. for the sake of those who might think i've got something that they don't. because what i've got is still a two thousand eight of hard art making, hard heart adjusting, and serious mind fixing.

for instance i was not ever going to leave the doctor's office, there was something seriously sick about my work there only because i couldn't ever see myself doing anything bigger or better or that i might deserve more. i was always so paranoid, thinking i'd get fired for being chronically 10 minutes late everyday for 6 years straight. i never thought i could ever produce enough artwork for a show and then for god's sake, sell it all. it never occurred to me that anyone could understand my deepest thoughts and feelings. i never thought to ask for help, nor did i ever see that if people like my parents, siblings or my best friend katie acted like they didn't trust me or that i felt like a child in their eyes it was probably because i didn't trust myself. all of the advice i personally gave i have never ever really took to heart myself. if i felt defensive it wasn't because people were accusing me, it was more because of the fact that i felt myself to be inferior. and no one is to blame for that matter, not a fact. oh and there is a lot more but not all worth spewing here. i was just thinking about the really nice things that the holidays can produce and how i could feel slightly off about the gifts i gave but heck it's funny, i created my very first paper stencil t-shirts. i honestly really truthfully thought i couldn't do it and never tried until christmas day. and then there's wahlah! i couldn't believe how truly easy it was.

just like asking for help, almost magical but more spiritual. the vulnerability of saying three simple words, 'i need help', and all sorts of floodgates opened. i'd be crazy to say it's been so so simple, there's been more questions than i thought, there has been more anger too, there's been sadness and some strange realizations as well. but there underneath the sheets is redemption, the power of light. and forgiveness and reminders of how much i am truly loved. it must sound stupid but i think we could all take a little more time to think of all the ways we know we're loved. because when you stop remembering you yourself stop giving the love out, right? being a good steward with the love your given is sharing it with others. i just can't believe that this year turned out the way it has. it surprises me and makes me wonder if other people plodding along have come to figuring these sorts of things out in their lives.

a wish list

oh man. i should have warned myself. taken more heed but felt a nervousness to get a new computer fast. i am experiencing the learning curve per mac and blogger. i have successfully figured out how to uploaded my photos. i have mozilla now as of right now, for blogger. i have instruction from every direction, part of it's free and part of it well is raising my state of awareness which is free as well but makes me feel slightly queazy. the holidays are on, aren't they. this may be the first year i have had my christmas tree up before the twentieth of the month.

now it is to baking and shopping and editing and making more art and to clothesline and making a wish list. i feel like in the scheme of everything that exists i already have every little bit of everything i need. christmas has to be about what we want or else, else what? i still want high speed so fast speed internet in my apartment but i don't know that would be and appropriate item to wish for. i still want to be thinner and i'd like to look really sweet in leggings but who is going to do that for me? i'd like a year's supply of coffee and pumpkin spice soy milk, with a way to foam it up.

but i am positive that most people would like to find a gift to buy for me that isn't as well ridiculous. seeing as how i am about to have a whole lot of art to make it makes sense to wish for art supplies all of which can be purchased from dick blick
canvas any size
paint brushes
mod podge
origami paper
acrylic paint:liquitex
i'd also like some more wood grain contact paper something in a lighter shade
i have bought myself two rolls of the darker stuff... so.

how about a little one of these or this one. wooo&ahhh.

and i found these beautiful earrings on etsy and have only been able to resist because my birthday is this month too.

i'd love to support this artist. i'd just have to frame these, i think.

alright my battery is running on reserve, how many times has that sentence been written.

i will have continue this asap.

forgive in order

it has been a dreadfully long time since i have blogged, i almost cannot believe i am back. making a slow comeback. wading through a whole lot of life changing sorts of things. i have made the physical transistion from the doctor's office to collier construction and all is good, i mean, good in a way that has yet to sink in completely. only because i'm regaining a level of self confidence that i believe got lost in the doctor office atmosphere. i say that only because my true god given gifts weren't exactly used to their full capacity at uoha, not by anyone's fault, just the nature of work and working outside of the home. the doctor's office absolutely prepared me for making a change, no doubt, the medical billing software was incredibly complex and medical oncology billing was even more of a daily challenge. so. moving on.

on one very exciting note, i did receive my macbook and have been extremely pleased. it has it's complications, but mainly because i've never used a mac. last night i actually deleted all of my photos, but not before transferring the majority on to flickr. waff!

i also have completed all of my paper quilts for the publishing deal, three old ones, five new ones, now i can finally begin working on some new things. awwwhh! and boy do i have some fresh ideas up my sleave. i've got wood grain contact paper!

and next up on the big o' list of things to do, is clothesline. we've got our dates nailed down, so now all i've got to do is get those applications set. i should have more time on my plate as well as "at home" wireless www, so i'll have those things cranked out and sent via the postal service before christmas. i hope to update the clothesline blog soon too!

obviously life hasn't stopped here. i am continuing this journey with a little bit more humpf! you know? i am recovering some joy and learning to trust, trust for the first times{s} in my life. stressful moments aren't taking control of me as much, i'm learning how to respond and compass my emotions in healthier ways. it's good, seriously.

i'm looking forward to the christmas holidays, maybe i won't have the bonus from uoha, but i'll have a new level of strength and faith and i'll have to resort to some fantastic financial and artist creativity. over the thanksgiving holidays i began to experiment with baking vegan style. i used a martha stewart piecrust recipe for the pumpkin pies and left out the real butter. i also made or adapted angry chicken's banana bread in a vegan delight, yummy! so healthy good. i really think i can start baking some incredible stuff. yes. i don't think i'll make my favorite spice cookies veganstyle though, unga.

take care folks and have a good weekend. are you glad i'm back?