i am almost ready to change my concentration or focus. i have been thinking about trees for the last two years and all the many ways of making or painting them. i have spent so much time working to perfect my trees, the style and the color, that i might actually becoming bored with them. i feel like taking a different direction. all the fine line brushstrokes are helping me, pushing me and my mind. i definitely do not feel like approaching collage in the same way that i have in the past (ie. the paper quilts). i definitely feel like changing the subject matter and i am torn by the conflicting feelings. in the back of my mind (right) i really want to try my hand at portraiture or buildings in the midst of construction. two very different ideas, i know. in the back of my mind (left) i want to push this idea of detailed landscape. i especially like the idea of layering plantings in a landscape. i honestly feel like i have mastered the incorporation of paper into my paintings. the paper adds this intense color palette, under painting of paper that i cannot seem to let go of or deny. i am pretty sure i never want to do still life work or hit realism too much. 
i feel like i am at some pivotal moment and that if something does not give my right and left minds will only continue to clash and i'll become comfortable and humdrum about the conflict. the worse thing about being an artist is the urge or drive or lack there of, to challenge oneself or practice new techniques or make art with new material or color. yet it seems unfortunate that i never really produce the same thing twice. it seems impossible to replicate the old television or twilight trees. i feel my hand has given into the new patterns and thinking(s) of making line. in the last month after quitting cvs pharmacy i have neglected almost everything but my art. even though clothesline is coming i feel confident that all is going to be fine in the organization and outcome of the event. it is freeing to know that we as a group have made clothesline into somewhat of a "no brainer". i am thankful for the opportunity to show my work. clothesline is thus far the highlight of my artistic pursuits. it fills me up and leaves me wanting more. i just do not know what my capacity is to continue making art at this rate. i feel like i am making a piece a week, which is great but all the other things i want are falling by the wayside. making art can feel so selfish, the focus feels so individual and then for three days in september i get to share the experience but it feels like the sacrifice is too great, there still is not enough sharing. i quit cvs because i wanted to have the opportunity to focus but it has been intense for my mind. i have felt some pretty strong emotions, some serious highs, some serious lows. it is difficult to not in some way fall into the typical artist mold, the isolation, the narrowness with which i marginalize myself so that my expression, my art becomes in some way, glorious and perfect. and i do not mean perfect for everyone to see and praise, i mean some deep, inner perfection i am trying to achieve.
i do not know that i could be a full time artist and be happy. that is a scary thought, only because my dream is to make art everyday, whenever i want for the rest of my life. i love the structure and routine of my job at collier construction and need it desperately to balance the right and the left of my brain, the two hemispheres. after this september clothesline i am thinking about taking a break until next september. i want to make art non-stop but i have no idea how the rest of my emotional or physiological self could take it. i probably will feel differently and needed to put these exact kind of thoughts down as a record of the way it feels right now. i feel like i understand better what great artists of our past have experienced in their drive to be great or just to make art that breaks out of the mundane perception. it's an overwhelming responsibility, one that i am glad for, for the hands and the mind to make nice art. i cannot imagine being a celebrity rockstar and would never want that life. the self imposed pressures are quite enough.
nonetheless i'm going back to the studio//living room to work out a couple of more pieces for the show. i want to scratch the surface of something new and rediscover. have a nice good restful holiday monday off, with your family and friends. bye for now.
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